Journals of Lord Malinov

the poetry of madness

the deal

 In forming a relationship, we find someone who is generally as broken as we are.  This parity-of-brokeness is very important.  One of the things that can disassemble a relationship is when one partner gets fixed while the other wallows along.

I can easily understand the beginnings of our relationship - the ways in which we were broken that provided some solution in each other.  My timidity needed her fearlessness - her bravado needed my creative sense.  Soon enough, however fear clashed with madness and our formulaic solution dissolved.

Can I mix metaphors, or what?

Ultimately, I am grateful to the eX - her insanity forced me to confront my madness, leading me toward the light of a new dawn.  I doubt I would have discovered this perspective without the trouble she has caused me. 

The calmness I am achieving comes from creating a compulsion to relax in myself - using the natural tendency of anxiety to cope in OCD by creating an obsessive need to calm my thoughts and slow my breathing.  I used several tools in creating this condition, primarily self-hypnosis and suggestion, but the principal force was an insatiable desire to find a real and lasting solution to my bone-cracking anxiety.

If my adversaries were even a little bit smart, I could trust in their reason.  Fighting with idiots is one of the most frustrating situations I have ever known.  Anything short of a sharp blow to the head is empty.  How do I work with people who don't know when to quit? 

The kids are - sadly - back with their mother.  The transition was apparently very unpleasant, as the kids had absolutely no desire to place themselves back in the hands of an idiot while their mother looks on, insisting on her own weakness.  Tears and ugly words were their reception.  It is unfortunate, but we gave the kids nothing but positive strokes and support.  I feel bad for them all, but I cannot let myself agonize over situations I cannot control.  I will, instead, do what I can to make things better. 

Time to send another check to my lawyer.  I charge twice as much as she does, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Back to reality,

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 09:04 | link | comments |

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