Journals of Lord Malinov

the poetry of madness

postponed

I decided, yesterday morning, to postpone the wedding.  I gave my feelings to Cats and she agreed.  As much as we had good reasons to proceed with the administrative processing of our marital state, I couldn't accord myself with the feeling that we were doing something incredibly important in a less-than-satisfying way.  We will wait a few weeks until we can arrange things in a more celebratory manner.  There really is no reason to rush.

Reason and emotion can be difficult to balance, but my many years on this earth have taught me that disregard for either is an equation for disaster.  Sometimes approaching something with the wrong attitude or in the midst of an unresolved emotion can destroy something that is overwhelmingly good.  Issues within me bubbled to the surface yesterday morning, as our appointment loomed.  I struggled through them, trying to discover their import and weight, and decided that I needed to address the issues over time rather than rush through them.  Funny how long it has taken to learn how to be able to control myself in emotional circumstances.  So many times, I have simply closed my eyes and yelled "Geronimo."

I don't know why we scream "Geronimo" when we leap into the abyss.  Nothing in the tale of Geronimo gives me an explanation.

Speaking of marriage, Rheinhart Hedriych, the ultimate Nazi, was an officer in the navy when he met his future wife.  After talking for two hours, he proposed marriage.  She suggested that they take some time to get to know each other.  He insisted and she relented.  They sent out marriage announcements, including one to his girlfriend who hadn't been told they were breaking up.  Her father was a high-ranking politico who spoke to his friends on the military heirarchy.  His conduct with regard to his girlfriend was decided to be beneath reproach.  Rheinhart was dishonorably discharged from the navy.

This man became the foulest of the foul, a distinct achievement of foulness in the midst of Nazis.  But for that, the story would be lamentable, a young man punished for his love.  Of course, any man who falls in love and proposes marriage in a few hours is not hitting on all cylinders.  My estimation of human relations suggests that it takes at least two years of serious involvement and interaction before we even start to know a person.  At least six months of those two years should be spent living together, if we are going to claim actual knowledge of another person.  How many people invest that kind of time before finally selecting a life-partner?  In my experience, most peple spend more time choosing a new car than they do in choosing a spouse, and that's sad because most people don't spend much time choosing a car.  Or a house.  We are a world of impulse buyers.  Taking our time to think about things is almost completely contrary to our nature. 

When was the last time you really thought something through before stepping forward?  I have tried to consider things seriously over the last year, but it is damn difficult to really think.  The best I could do is to slow myself down, give myself a chance to develop regrets before I acted.  It has helped, but is far from a solution.

The day presses on.  My eyesight - post lasering - is 20/10 and I can read most small print far better than before.  Huzzah.

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 10:33 | link | comments (4) |

Comments:

#1  08 June 2005 - 12:46

 

the last time I really though something through before stepping forward...it took me a really long time to decide whether to get those really expensive shoes. I didn't get them. If we're talking about life changing decisions, then I had to make a very conscious choice about what to do after graduation. I don't regret my decision one iota.

I yearn for laser eye surgery. Alas, I'm not old enough.

DJGroovySlug

#2  08 June 2005 - 13:10

 

from my experience i think you are wise to really think things through and do what you want to do and how you want to do it. keep us up to date!

moonglow

#3  08 June 2005 - 13:55

 

Tough decision, made by two people.

As to the meaning behind the utterance of "Geronimo" and its tie to love, watch Conspiracy Theory.

InMyLife

#4  09 June 2005 - 13:19

 

I'm definitely taking more time this time around. The first time i was married, we were pen pals for about 9 months, then we met, within two weeks i proposed marriage. She ran with it and I did nothing to stop her. on my wedding day, i remember thinking that if it doesn't work out, I could always get divorced.

10 years later, I did get divorced. We were never truly honest with each other, and I suppose it was merely out of habit (or fear of the unknown) that kept us together as long as we were.

indigo4963

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