the poetry of madness
Name: Lord Malinov
driven by curiousity and an intense need for understanding, I strive to learn and express in every step of the marvelous journey that life is providing
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Euclid's Elements
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I live in faith
our Universe
Moves in compassion
In meaningful directions
Such a strange Christmas. As I suffered the pangs of separation from my kids, they suffered from the idiocy of their mother. Anger, frustration, disappointment and outbursts became their celebration. What a piece of work is my eX.
When I picked up the kids, they were semi-hysterical. It took most of the day to calm them down. Tess left on her ski trip that evening, visibly dreading spending more time with the madness of eX and company. I have no doubt she would have stayed with us, had that been a viable alternative for her.
We have not celebrated Christmas yet. I want the kids to understand that Christmas is not about a specific day or a treasure chest. Christmas is not about traditions. Christmas, perhaps, is a little bit more.
Tess returns today. We will begin our holiday celebration in earnest when she gets home.
The boys have been engaged in a nearly endless City-of-Villains-fest. Greg asked me if it was true that brain cells die when we play computer games. Quite the contrary, I retorted. Computer games are more educational than school. The leaders on our horizon will be selected from the youth who play these games. If you expect your children to thrive, encourage them to play. Clinging to the stone age will develop more stone-age children.
We'll have a gay old time.
Adapt or Die. People who cling to the past are already dead.
Onward and Upward!
M
Peter from Oz called to update me on our dealings. My share of the $100 million will start arriving in February. There is a chance that the bidding will increase between now and then, but the acquisition is relatively certain. I'll fly down under soon to sign the papers and collect my first check.
Don't worry, Tim. Despite the price tag, this is a minor distraction from our much-more lucrative operation. The patents continue to roll.
My eX has managed to frustrate me beyond belief. She arranged a ski trip for our daughter during my possession. I agreed on the condition that she would generously donate pre-Christmas time with the kids. Now, she pays no attention to the deal. What can I do, other than gnash my teeth?
My only real option is to file the papers and destroy the cretin in court. She's going to wish it had never come to this. Three years of holding back will be unleashed in a firestorm of destruction. Every wrong she has committed will be publicized. No quarter. No prisoners.
I have so many better things to do. Why does it have to come to this?
Flame on!
M
"I love your hair," she said. "Can I touch it?"
"Sure," I replied with a laugh. Her fingers burrowed into my curls.
"So soft," she purred.
Fondled by another stranger, a birthday girl with a warble and demure smile. We staggered home.
There are times when I remember the things he did
When I know that he will die
Not yet, but soon
Recompense must be paid
with fool's blood
Through me, retribution for the sins
Their sins
Foul, ugly infected sins
The dagger slides into festering flesh
Freedom in wretched release
He, daring to wrong me, dares no more. May his ashes be scattered on a well-travelled road, obliterated for all eternity.
Take back Christmas!
M
The word "safehouse" always reminds me of Kevin Kline.
Chess computers are analytically superior to human beings. The question of computer dominance has been resolved. The question has become the limit of computer dominance. Will human beings ever win again?
"If you don't make a mistake, no one can beat you, not even God."
That's the spirit! A "perfect" performance within a limited rule-based game against an omnipotent opponent necessarily ends in a draw - or does it? Dare we consider limits on the omnipotence of our Universe? I would not be so bold. Thy will be done.
Can the Universe defeat an intelligent person in tic-tac-toe - best of five games?
Anthropomorphizing the Universe to engage in a human game is like pretending we are fish to engage in a game with martians. Once you've divided by zero, the conclusion is nonsense.
I do not believe it is appropriate to speak the name of the Universe. We are not worthy or even capable. No human word can properly contain the infinitudes of the Universe. Anthropomorphizing the Universe is a tool of very limited use.
Christmas was outlawed in England for 200 years. Early Christmassers had adopted the celebration of the Mithran Sun, one more Mardi Gras in the olden days. The only notice the protestant churches took of Christmas was to warn parisioners to keep their kids indoors to avoid the dangers of a drunken revelry. Americans were fined 5 shillings for showing Christmas spirit.
Scrooge was the symbol of the demise of the anti-Christmas age, in the mid 19th century. The idea that Christmas was for children didn't evolve until the 1930s, when the depression concentrated any desire to give toys to the children.
Christmas basically had no religious content - aside from renaming the Mithran Sun's birthday to Christ's birthday - until the latter part of the 19th century.
Santa Claus is a purely american saint, visited in annual pilgrimages to our shopping temples. Such a well-crafted tale.
Take Back Christmas! Let's put the Mardi back in Christmas. The old ways are always the best ways. Yeah tradition!
When I spent half my life commuting in DC, I listened to audio tapes of literary works and wrote stories in the styles of various authors. Fitzgerald's flowery self-awareness - Faulkner's slow repetetive reflections - Hawthorne's clipped strokes - awe, bach.
During the hallowed eve season, I cringed as several docs proclaimed the wonders of Bram Stoker's Vladish tale - it is as terribly written a book as the story is haunting. Some stories - great stories - transcend bad writing. Not many.
I told the young prince that I had read perhaps 80% of my books. It may be more like 95%.
I am starting a yoga group - using some of our office space for meetings. I have some ideas.
Enjoy,
M
The first time I saw 8 mile, I was delighted with the twisted vision as nmn walks in on his mom - kim basinger - enjoying the company of her companion. There is a brief moment when the full naked of Kim's back extending to the limits of her end delighted my view.
I remembered the scene vividly, the beautiful violin flesh of a lovely mama.
The second time I watched the flick, I paid close attention as rabbit unlocks the double-wide. Kim is still beautiful in her own special way - I'm a sincere fan of Fool for Love with my arch-nemesis Sam - gnash, gnash, snarl, talented son-of-a-hobbit - but Kim's behind could not compare to the incredible vision of rear-end perfection that has been catalogued in my mind under the first viewing.
Apparently, in that first glimpse of Kim's ass, I only saw a hint. My mind's eye airbrushed my vision, filling in the gaps, the best way I knew how.
The reality was entirely - at a certain level - different than my memory.
Eyewitness testimony is - by and large - as useless as anectdotal information.
There are whole universes that we do not perceive. We cannot perceive. Understanding is an endless journey, with plenty of cul-de-sacs and no short cuts.
Enjoy
M
eventually, we can learn visualization - lucid visions - waking dreams, etc. We know the phenomenon from occassional lucid dreams - the ones the seem completely real. The mind has the software. Learning how to control the software is a lengthy journey. Patience arrives everywhere.
M
It is said that energies can be controlled by "visualizing" the desired response. A problem arises because the visual metaphor is too narrow - sight is only one of our senses, vision is but one of our interpretations. Instead, I say "imagine the response was truth."
To raise the temperature of your hand, imagine your hand is in ice water. Imagine all your senses - imagine your emotional response. Believe it is true and your body responds. To sleep, imagine yourself falling asleep. To relax, imagine yourself relaxing. Don't just visualize the scene. Feel it in every way you can. The relaxation follows naturally.
Visualizing was probably chosen because it is more concrete than imagining. Proper administration might instruct us to visualize, smell, feel, taste, hear, the whole nine yards. Imagine yourself as you want to be and become.
M
he took the roast beast!
The depth of my calm has increased steadily, shapes forming in the shadows, a freedom that connects me to the infinity negated.
An hour of meditation can soothe ruffled feathers. A month of meditation accomplishes little more. There is no quick path to enlightenment. Some things can only be learned by experience. Decades and beyond. Freeing the mind of thought is a difficult proposition, especially when life pitches wildly. No matter how good we are today, tomorrow may be a whole new ballgame, and way out of our league. Be ready for anything. Keep focussing.
Biofeedback can teach us to control our autonomous functions - perhaps even augment our functions. When connected to biofeedback, the goal is to listen to yourself, learn to listen to the state of your body and learn how to affect the state. The more time devoted to correlating feedback, the deeper the understanding. Remember, our minds are neural. Data provides unforseen connections.
I have been in hiding, again. My calm is becoming strong and the veil is beginning to lift. I have been sparing myself whatever waves I can, while I prepare for the next battle. I appreciate everyone's concern - I'm totally on-board and looking to return to the bridge in short order. I'm particularly determined to get a serious grip on myself before I dive back into the waters - my value is orbital - I have no choice but make decisions - decide which continents to conquer first. The postive strokes are endless, but my tendency to retreat from humanity needs to be resolved - expunged - minimized.
I love a good struggle. I love to learn. Isn't life grand. It's good to be the king.
I never hide from my kids - they provide me ample emotional coastering for my current needs. My eX continues to self-destruct without regard for her children. So it goes. At least I'm nearby to catch them when she does finally fall.
We are the beautiful. It's going to be a beautiful night.
In somber notes, the choir sang
The apple cleft below mine want
M
Some japanese soldiers, it is said, believed that the samuri spirit made them invincible as they ran with raised sword into machine gun fire.
Perhaps in some universe, they were. Apparently not in ours.
a kung fu dude pushed his arm between 300lbs rollers. perhaps if the machine guns fired 300lb rollers . . .
Apparently the swami rama provided some interesting data to the menninger institute showing his ability to control his involuntary body functions. The experimenters, however, are singing Uri Gellar's praises, which casts a bit of a gullibility shadow over them. They didn't know Gellar, but they knew people who knew Yuri and swore by him, so they did too.
If they'd been on the net, they'd know better than to swear to things they don't personally know. This world is ferocious against anyone who pretends. Pretending knowledge must be limited to an audience of the dim. Although still a general rarity, you can't hide from smart people on the net.
I'm not a strongly opinionated person. I believe things, but I'm always ready to chuck it out the window when the next bit of data comes by and I'm not one to risk confrontation just for the hell of it.
On the other hand, I am chock full of theories. Pontificating hypothesis can be one of my favorite pastimes.
I believe it could be possible to "learn" to see thermal radiation using biofeedback. I need a thermal detector and a bit of circuit to do the clinical studies.
An anxious person set free - there is a dangerous set of skills. Imagine turning all the power of your worrying into plans for world domination. We worry kingdoms and empires away. We did, anyway.
Muhahahhaaha
Oh, well. Back to work.
M
I dreamed I was trying to kill Mel last night. As he climbed a cliff, I stabbed him in the chest with a spear. He was very annoyed when I saw him later.
There was an airport in my dream. I frequently dream of airports. I'm usually late for my flight to nowhere.
My visits to church are strange. I attend services at my sister's church - so called because she's lived in D much longer than I have and so lays claim to the very large church. Shortly before the battles began, my eX began taking the kids to the church. After the battles heated up, she began bringing her boyfriend and his daughters to the church. So on Sunday morning, we all worship in the presence of old unresolved feelings.
I used a hypnosis yesterday called "block release" intended to help move past painful events. It seems to have done me some good. My desire to infect brains with lead seems to have diminished.
My work with meditation is reaching interesting places. With the biofeedback device, I am finding myself capable of reducing my tensions and anxieties to calm-sea levels. I wish I had better words to describe these experiences, but their novelty catches me without a decent vocabulary. I will work on finding expressions so that I can share the things I have learned.
The kids hate leaving us. It is a bit painful to send them off, feeling their desire to stay. It could be worse. They could be wishing to leave. Every week, they call the eX to ask her if they can stay longer. Maybe someday the eX will wake up and realize how much she has been hurting her children. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.
I enjoy the wails of denial that arise when I point out that all allergies are psychosomatic. In truth, most diseases are psychosomatic. Why does that idea bother people so much? Psychosomatic illness can kill just as easily as wounds. I suspect people just don't like the responsibility implied by the formula.
If I were a tyrant, I would purge people who complain.
Sometimes it is difficult to feel Christmassy in the warmth of the Texas winter. Yesterday was sixty-seven. We won't be dashing through the snow anytime soon.
I'm patiently waiting for half-a-dozen people to write me a check. They, undoubtably, are all waiting for six more people to write them checks. Perhaps everyone is waiting for someone else to write a check. Somewhere, perhaps, there is a person who will write the first check and begin the avalanche of money down trickledown mountain. Oh, well. Money is overrated.
In my dream, I picked up an automatic weapon and shot several badduns as they approached. The guns were Mel's. I couldn't find them later when another attack came.
The real key to spiritual development comes with the power of closed-eye visualization. This is a skill that must be learned at great cost.
Virtues sparkle.
M
let's see . . . what can I remember . . . it all seems such a daze
Peter called me from Oz yesterday. Our company - I'm on the board and an officer - enters a new phase in six weeks. Word is that we'll soon be acquired by one of two of the Fortune ten. Interestingly, I could make a bundle without doing anything else, if the acquisition overtakes my next steps. We'll party when the bank clears the check.
As the next phase will involve some commitment, Peter asked what my time would cost. I told him my full time attention would be at least $200K, and that there would have to be lots of conditions before I even accepted that. He suggested options which would be very nice if the acquistion takes place.
I'm worth much more, but I have so many ships sailing and I like Peter. Mostly I would love to be paid to visit Australia.
This is living. This is life. This is elegance by the mile.
Oh, the posh, posh travelling life . . .
I'm deeping my relaxation level significantly with biofeedback. I'm reading a tome - Beyond Biofeedback - full of ideas for exploration. I was developing many of the same ideas, so their experiments saved me considerable trouble. Biofeedback has incredible potential. If only I had more equipment. Damnation, I thought the whole idea of the Wayne Foundation was to make it easier for me to do my experiments. Alfred!
The kids are over the for the weekend. Tess brought a gaggle of girls and they left with Cats. The boys are keeping me company, gaming in my vicinity. It became actually cold last night - so I poked fun at some of the locals as school is cancelled for an icecube tray's worth of sleet. Brrr. ;)
Night slides into place, prepared
I take my jacket and bypass the threshold
Eager to discover as the chilled breeze moves
The aromatic expressions of autumnal delight
Words are so much fun to play. Come to stay. Angelic clay.
M
The kids joined us for the evening. All three called the eX to ask her if they could spend the night. Her reasonless insistence made it clear, to me, that she was following orders. Ha! The kids are suffering, forced to endure the dominion of idiocy. This experience will help them appreciate intelligence. Nothing make stupidity unattractive like living under a stupid thumb.
I try my best to keep my soul unsullied, but it is too easy to enjoy the suffering of my eX. She has been so incredibly wrong - purposefully trying to destroy me so that she could whitewash her sins. She only surrendered when it became clear that I could completely destroy her and didn't. Sometimes I regret not wreaking my vengeance upon her. She made us all suffer with her wanton and reckless self-centered selfishness. It is difficult not to enjoy the idea of watching karma run its course. Yet I know better than to let the filth of anger grow into a poison within my system. Satisfaction is not worth self-destruction.
Anyway, my weekly emotional wave of extreme parenthood. My kids totally rock.
Never allow yourself into the grasp of evil. Always be vigilant against the encroachments of evil. The time to take action is before evil knocks on the door.
Life may be comfortable for an extended period of time. Without warning, life can quickly return to savagery. We must be prepared for whatever may come.
Do you like a sharp bite
to the back of your neck?
My sweet, darling, dear
just a tease of a peck?
Savage
Delights
await
M
My brother, Jack the Movie Poster Mogul, with his new daughter and my niece, Georgia.
Jack, or John as he is known to those of us who have known him from his youth, won an award this last year for his movie poster for "Ray." Somehow I suspect that Ray provided Georgia with the inspiration for her name. I always sing her name, anyway. Georgia . . . Georgia.
Laws create lawlessness. When we make a law, we must recognize that there are now people who will break that law. When people break laws, they become disrespectful of the law. Once the idea forms that laws are unrespected, our respect for the law, as a whole, breaks down.
Control is illusory. At most, we affect.
Prohibition is a case in point. The laws did not stop anyone from drinking - all it did was make those who drank criminals. Since they wouldn't stop drinking, they accepted the need to break the law. Once the law breaking was accepted, it was an easy step to breaking other laws. Criminals were created by making useless laws.
I have come to the conclusion that no one ever really hated the Jews. They just wanted their money. Stealing was justified by hating. Jews should have built more walls.
Money is the root of all evil. This is a profound truth. Follow the money.
M
You are complete unto yourself
Until you possess this knowledge
You are loved
But
You are not ready to love
Understanding your wholeness
Allows your love to transcend
The incompleteness you yearn to feel complete
Until you learn to take care of yourself
You cannot take care of anyone else
Only strength can lend strength
Dependence becomes destruction
I was imagining what I would like to say to my son, to help him as he approaches his destiny with the furies. My children, bless their hearts, are burdened with the intense struggles of brilliant minds. I do what I can to prepare them for the journey they will be living.
Sunday. I can't believe it's still Sunday.
M
I navigate the Universe
in a sense of peace
I have been organizing my thoughts, plotting the property I will create with my words and figures
Oscillating between the reich and faith with excursions to the deadly pacific
Searching for the stillness
still yet
eyes of a predator
afixed to the motion surriounding me in flicks of attentive attack
staring coldly, searching
the path
for an answer
M
learning dominates my mind
these days
fixing the calmness that has become mine
deepening
balancing
relaxing
exposing myself, slowly and steadily, to the energies of living
with new vision
a functional mind
mostly
keel down
My recipe for conquering anxiety is cognitive, biaurals and biofeedback. I'm still uncertain about my attention. Calmness certainly helps.
I need to make some trouble. Who's in?
M.
today
October 2006
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