Journals of Lord Malinov

the poetry of madness

starshine

song song song sing sing sing sing song

We spent considerable amounts of time studying Egypt and Rome over the past few days.  The patterns of power persist through ten thousand years.

There was speculation that Moses was the son of Ramses II and the tenth plague - the killing of the first sons of Egypt - refers to an ambush of the Egyptian charioteers as they followed the Hebrews into marshland.

Caveating, some of the elements of this story exist as largely unsubstantiated speculation.  Given the facts we do know, this would be a reasonable explanation.  One of the problems is that the only account we have of the exodus comes from the Hebrews.  Egyptians typically didn't record bad things.
 
Frere Tim called yesterday to knock my gears loose from the spirals of self-destruction, illuminating the shadows that had come to haunt my thoughts, breaking me free and placing me back on track.  No one can win this game alone.  Friends, partners, teammates - these are an essential element of any undertaking.  It is impossible to focus intensely and maintain perspective - they are mutually exclusive states. 

Frustration has led me to a new attitude.  I will not devote my time to stupidity, regardless of the pay.  The work I do is intensely valuable, yet it is nearly impossible to keep corporate decision making from devaluing the patent holdings, by inattention, misdirection, short-sightedness and ego.  I have been continuing my practice, a bit, mostly for the sake of friends, but I'm not playing that game any more.  Just a little bit of not-being-stupid is too profitable to waste life on comprised values to placate the stupidity of a stupid self-proclaimed emperor.

If they don't want to make money, that's their problem.  I'd rather spin gold for myself, thank you kindly.

Spinning wheel, gotta go round.

M

posted by: Malinov at 11:57 | link | comments |

Soren

I have been reading "The Meaning of Anxiety" by May, who quotes some beautiful Kierkegaard:

"And no Grand Inquisitor has in readiness such terrible tortures as has anxiety, and no spy knows how to attack more artfully the man he suspects, choosing the instant when he is weakest, nor knows how to lay traps where he will be caught and ensnared, as anxiety knows how, and no sharpwitted judge knows how to interrogate, to examine the accused, as anxiety does, which never lets him escape neither by diversion nor by noise, neither at work nor at play, neither by day nor by night."

"If man were a beast or an angel, he would not be able to be in anxiety.  Since he is a synthesis he can be in anxiety, and the greater the anxiety the greater the man.  This however is not affirmed in the sense in which men commonly understand anxiety, as related to something outside of man, but in the sense that man himself produces anxiety."

I personify my self-critical anxiety source as "The Drill Sargent."  I cannot escape his harsh advice, but I there is no reason to tolerate abuse.

We are the beautiful.  It's gonna be a beautiful night - the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince

M

posted by: Malinov at 19:30 | link | comments |

confession

For decades, I have been dressing up in silver, kidnapping people and giving them an anal probe.

It is just too funny to stop.  No one believes them.  I'll never get caught.

M

posted by: Malinov at 17:16 | link | comments (3) |

sight

Looking down the barrel
To an unsuspecting target
Caught in a moment's distraction
Nervously oblivious
To the crashing moment
To come

People forget or simply ignore the forces swelling around them.  "The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as best I could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge."  Do you remember the insults, Fortunato?  Do you think you have escaped my revenge? 

An elephant never forgets.

A bullet to the brain and all memories fade.  By the blessings of Shiva, nothing remains.

I have my weapon.  I have my vantage point. 

The foul fragility simply crushed.

escape escape escape escape

impossible in a fleeting hope, the weight of life crashing down and crushing
worthlessness

Repent!
the end is near

Malinov
King of Cains

posted by: Malinov at 07:54 | link | comments |

motions

Relaxation cannot remain motionless.  The involuntary motions including our heartbeat and breathing introduce tensions into our musculature.  To be relaxed, we must always be in motion, expressing the naturally occuring tension stream, dissipation maintaining the cool of our calm in the constant flow of living waves.

Expressing simple concepts can make me sound so deep.  Life is contradiction.

I feel like the children fully understand why I am no longer living with them.  Now I have the sense that they are put out that I didn't take them with me, save them from the insanities of their mother.  This has become my deepest regret, that I didn't recognize her incapacity and take appropriate steps to get her helped.  We'll probably file the action to reconsider custody soon.  Balancing the cost of the battle with the cost of letting her abuse the children with her instability is a very tricky calculation.  I can be criticized, no matter what action I take.  The well-being of the children is all that matters.

Responsibility can be such a heavy burden.  All I can do is the best I can do.  I yam a yam.

Malinov
 

posted by: Malinov at 10:46 | link | comments |

slide ride

I have come to hate unscrupulous people, the ones who seem convinced that, indeed, the ends justify the means.

Unscrupulous people are ugly.  Even when they fight in good causes, they infect the good with their evil.

We went to a club on Saturday night.  I was wearing sandals and found myself turned away.  I knew the rule was imposed upon them, so I didn't make a fuss.  When I returned to the club, properly shod, they escorted us to the best seat in the house and free cover.  Treat people with respect and the rewards shower down.  A simple act of sensibility impressed them beyond belief.  We were treated like celebraties all night long.  We danced with rythmic abandon.

We received a hardy round of support when we attended Matt's soccer game only to discover that the eX had taken him camping that morning instead.  One of the eX's closer friends - an attractive woman who has always kept a reasonable distance from me  - came right over to me, gave me a hug and began to rant about the constant discourtesies handed out by the bimbeX. 

What can I say?  The eX throws another ally into my arms.  I can't complain, but it is the weirdest thing I've ever witnessed.  It is astounding how many friends I have made because they dislike my eX.  It's pretty obvious now how she took advantage of me.  I appear noble in my gracious victory over her selfish crueltry.  I won without taking a shot, without ever once lowering myself to her disgustipating level.  I am proud of myself.  I conducted this campaign with calm intelligence.  I won at every single step. 

At the same time, I gave her far more than she deserved and she stole even more from me.  My victory was costly, in terms of cash, but I have never been one for material possessions, other than using them frequently.  I have always known that I can make as much money as I want and anything she took, I can easily replace.  I won in having my freedom from her stupid domination.  I won in having the undying love of my children, despite her ugly, ugly, ugly mud-slinging campaign.  Her stupidity has cost her their respect.  I don't encourage them in this, and even counter it where it makes sense to do so, but I have witnessed her destruction of their relationship over the past few years and it is a sad, scary thing.

I no longer push.  I follow the roll and slide of the Universe.  It takes me to the strangest places.

I slow down and listen.  God doesn't want to hear your whiny bullcrap.  Listen to the Diety.  Show some respect.

never let me down

The other day, Janis was wailing out her version of Cry.  During one incredible vocal spurt, Cats crinkled her nose.  "Show-off."

I started saying "show-off" to people who won or had a good move.  Chastising someone for displaying their prowess is a curious and kinda fun compliment.

M

posted by: Malinov at 12:47 | link | comments |

wisely

Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.

And so the struggle continues.  You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to.  I wish I had some friends so that I could take advantage of them.  ;)

If people knew what went on in Washington DC, they wouldn't pay their taxes.  Where would this country be without incredible excesses of denial?  Where would any human society be?  Denial is the mortar that sustains our interpersonal structures.  There are many things we simply cannot afford to think about. 

It is always difficult to persuade someone to seek mental health care because the idea of being cured typically requires abandoning our support systems.  We need help when our support systems are failing, but no matter how flimsy, they have evolved into the piece of driftwood we cling to while traversing our ocean of troubles.  You following the metaphors?  I can slow down if need be. 

Most of us survive every day by telling ourselves a litany of untruths, while ignoring truths as they smack us in the face.  But you have to let go of the driftwood if we're going to rescue you.

Always look on the bright side of life.  Nothing else makes sense.  Beware the dark side.  You'll bump into the furniture.

Against stupidity.

Ignorant people become dangerous.  Maybe we can't make them smart, but perhaps we can help them become wise. 

Watched a documentary on the OKC bombings.  You may be a redneck if you think attacking people in Oklahoma would significantly impact business-as-usual in DC.  Aside from a serious structural flaw in the building, the only conclusion I could draw was that the man was both really stupid and really insane - and unwittingly lucky in his plan for destruction.  We need to keep dangerous chemicals and weapons out of the hands of stupid people.  Any ideas? 

Smart people can be just as insane and frequently act far stupider than their intellectual abilities might suggest them capable.  Being smart requires intellectual machinery and emotional stability.  An amazlingly small number of people can even reach that state, much less work in it.  Smart people can also be self-centered and evil.  Don't turn your back on one.  They're tricky.

But for the most part, smart people can be reasonable.  Stupid and crazy people struggle to be reasonable, even for a few seconds.  They speak in a form that mimics logic, ignoring the basic rules of analysis and using some mad, mad, mad, mad, mad premises.

Academics is the process of formalizing knowledge.  The ability to get good grades requires skills in formalizing knowledge. 

Formalizing knowledge is rarely the same thing as discovering knowledge.  Academics are the librarians of our thoughts.  I worked at a library once.  I loved wandering the stacks.

I found read (and so necessarily cut) a signed and still uncut edition of the complete works of Eugene O'Neill.  I had never heard of Gene until I saw Reds.  Jack Nicholson played the playwright.  And what a playwright he was.  I loved reading and rereading Strange Interlude, imagining different production possibilities. 

My job was alphabetizing index cards, returning them to the master card catalog.  I'm sure there isn't one, anymore.  Horribly inefficient compared to what a computer can do.

I learned to program a mainframe with punchcards - never even saw a terminal until after I graduated - and was terribly disappointed by the lack of magic in programming.  Monkeys can program saith the Lisa.  I showed up for a final in one of my college computer courses.  Before the prof handed out the exam he looked at me and said "you have an A even if you don't take this exam."  I left with a smile.  School is just too easy.

Hey kids - the work they ask you to do is easy.  You're the one trying to make it hard, trying to discover the magic that isn't there.  Simple analysis is all they want - learn to think and formalize analysis.  A child could do it, once you understand once they want from you.  They'll teach you a few tricks and formalization.  If it were a video game, you'd complain it was too, too easy.

Kids who work to get good grades are fools.  There isn't anything to work at.  Concentration and focus - that is the real mental skill you need to acquire. 

School is a game but it's not meant to be.  Kids who play the game are missing the point.  It is sad.  I take points away for being an overachiever.

One of the funniest bits of my career was when I worked as a big firm attorney - untouchable in my unique abilities and experience, but like a fish out of water, drowning in over-achievers.  During my three year stint, I had to interview countless over-achievers for suitability in our department, not to mention endless lunches with summer associates.  I really hate overachievers.  They are so stupid.

Them. I don't trust them.   You know how they are.  I hate them.  They suck.  They say the most terrible things.  They should die.

M
anti-them

posted by: Malinov at 09:08 | link | comments |