the poetry of madness
Name: Lord Malinov
driven by curiousity and an intense need for understanding, I strive to learn and express in every step of the marvelous journey that life is providing
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My boys have begun immersing themselves in Holy Grail. The Pythonization has begun.
Endless discussions have given me a better understanding of the drama I have been swept into and the curious bends of the principal players. Sadly, I have underestimated stupidity, both in reach and in depth. Delusion and denial dominate some people at levels that would seem unpalatable in a work of fiction but persist in non-fiction almost unhindered.
Perhaps we should commission stupidity police to monitor these crimes against reason.
Part of the explanation in not a lack of machinery (so to speak) but emotional storms preventing the machinery from functioning. We can always give them the benefit of that doubt. People would be so much smarter if they could only remain calm.
The alcalde is afraid of me because he knows he's committed a sin that is historically punishable by death, knows he deserves no better. Guilt racks his existence - everyone comments on it. He's dominating the eX by exploiting her insecurities, driving a spike into her pain and then pushing that cruel nail to penetrate my daughter's self-esteem. Sad and pathetic. I doubt the woman is strong enough to escape his ugliness. Her daughter is not so weak. The children, fortunately, favor me. They are too smart to be taken in by nonsense.
I am playing Chillingsworth to his Dimmsdale. He can't see the A searing his soul, but the pain never leaves his face.
Tess tells everyone that Cats is her step-mother. When I recalled my bachelor years during a drive, Tess chided me - "you're not a bachelor, you're engaged." From the ashes of disaster, we have created a family.
The kids want me to pursue a weekly exchange schedule with the eX. Everyone is afraid that she will hurt the kids or herself if confronted with a serious change of custody - which is not a good reason to leave the children in her care. I'll continue pursuing full custody in court until she agrees to giving the children what they need, not what she needs to make a beaux happy - or at least less abusive, less violent. Fortunately my attorney will be able to finish that part swiftly.
I have no desire to cause her harm or hurt her relationship with our children, but I will take care of my children.
I never dreamed it would be so difficult to do the right thing. The fog of some emotional trauma is endless and thick.
My calm attitude has persisted. Life has opened to my eyes.
Enjoy,
Malinov
My relationship to the world has taken a sudden and profound shift. In my calm, I am discovering unbridled power. I learned that part of the humor in the French taunting of Monty Python's Holy Grail comes from the defeat of the Saxons by the Normans. It seems that William (the Conqueror) won the day after his troops had mercilessly taunted the Saxons into ill-advised mis-matched midnight battles which fatally depleted the English troops. Teased into destruction - what doesn't history contain? warm with smiling, Malinov
I have not been idle, pursuing the truth.
I recognize the patterns of existence, hear the harmonies of the Universe.
Everything counts - Faust
Everything is negotiable - Dip-1
Negotiation must go on, regardless of circumstances - Ron
Help yourself by helping me - Greg
We cannot control our emotions but we don't have to be controlled by our emotions
Where there is life, there is hope
The Universe has a wicked sense of humor. Sometimes you can hear it laughing at me. I laugh at the Universe. We have that kind of relationship.
Beauty is its own genius.
Driving home from taking the kids to a church-party, I ran across a van full of pretty young ladies. The chick driving turned out to be a dude, which was good for him, as he wasn't all that pretty as a lady. "I love your curls," a cute blonde shouted from the shotgun, "and I know you love my hair. I know you want me."
I blew her a kiss, which the dude dodged. Squeals of delight erupted from within. The coeds in the back seat began to wave frantically. I blew another kiss and they dissolved into giggles.
This episode was very unlike me. I have come to recognize that people see me differently than I see myself. By remaining calm within as I confront the varieties of experience, I remain present and able to recognize the visions bestowed.
We took a late-night tour which ended at Cafe Brazil. I switched tables after a while, disconcerted by the artificial daylight of the light we sat beneath, confusing our waitress enough to delay my midnight snack of toast d'France. They gave us the toast and our coffee for free.
Malinov
There are so many things to say
That will never be said
and even if said
would never be heard
Seeing things from a slightly shifted perspective, I am going to try a gentler tack. The flourishes of my style may be apt to confuse the issues, to spark emotions that would best let lying, The poetic skills can be a stiletto in masterful hands.
But I get carried away . . . back to the matter at hand.
It has become apparent to me that I am attracting projections - beyond the basic animus role, I am being cast as Dionysus in psychdramas around me. Break on through to the other side. Cats says I am a much better Dionysus than Mojo, but I am the new Dionysus, same as the old boss, but cooler. They say Jim was an asshole. He had some interesting poetic ideas, stiletto worthy.
My curls play a role, so stay before me, Delilah. I need a bit of a trim but the scissors will be carefully supervised. The remainder of Cindy will be watched as well, in a tone of appreciation rather than caution. She is a sexy girl. I have a taste for beauty.
Things are coming together, in most respects. Given the madness and stupidity that seems prevalent in the society around me, I am self-impressed, for avoiding the traps that plague us. So many kooks, so little time.
Malinov
I took the family, plus a few, to see our therapist. I expected the session to be important, but I had no idea of what would follow. It appears that the eX has lied to the children persistently about almost everything, leaving the children very confused. The whole story was set before them, undeniable in a wealth of details. The quickly saw the truth that was spoken and realized the deceptions they had been given.
The stories I heard in exchange were incredible. The image of two men trying to persuade my daughter to testify that I was attempting to molest her, an insistence that she resisted for horrible hours while her mother sat by, refusing to intercede on her daughter behalf is enough to send a murderous rage through my spirit. If I needed any justification for killing, I think it has been accomplished.
This morning we had a call from a friend at the homeowners association. She told us that someone had been calling about the yard and that it seemed to be a typical case of harrassment. Apparently yard services pull that kind of trick frequently. She asked us if we wanted to press charges. The police will be by later to take a statement.
Despite the madness, we are still having fun. Onward and Upward.
Malinov
I bask in the beauty of women
loving
The energized glow
yearning
to tenderly
caress
She gave herself
warmly
I sought my redemption
gazing
into her
dark eyes
Braving the rapids, desires
evolving
lost in the swirls
cast
into her
chaos
Malinov
"People try to rely upon the limited capacities of their conscious mind for direction and support, even though their unconscious mind has more resources and a better sense of reality." - Milton Erickson
This morning finds me feeling lost - dazed and confused - my clouded thoughts obscuring my standard intentions. The boys start with a heady dose of nicktoons, the strange humors of animated chaos and confusion. Tess continues to slumber in her week-induced exhaustion. Cats is off to collect some files to process. I am searching for clues.
We went to see the youth sing last night, the encore presentation of their tour of Oklahoma. Though they were clearly worn by their five day excursion into the wilds of Sooner country, their devotion rose again to fill the foreshortened church. Expressions of joy came to lift us as the kids stopped by to express their love. Who would have dreamed that I would achieve such popularity among them? Life often travels down uncharted courses.
The death of the Permian era still disturbs and enlightens me. Highly evolved creatures ruled the earth for 30 million years, long before the dinosaurs. An incredible cataclysm destroyed almost every vestige of life on this planet, leaving a few bacteria to restart the cycle of life. A meteorite the size of Manhattan destroyed the integrity of the crust, exposing continent-sized outpourings of lava.
So the day gets underway. What beauty will we find?
Malinov
Even in the calm of a quiet life, emotional ripples circulate among us. It is foolish to imagine that it could be otherwise, for the rise and fall of our feelings is an elemental part of being. We do not control the waves, but we determine our responses, even in the pitch of panic madness.
I find myself repetitively chanting mantras of the perpetual calming, spreading the words of self-control and peace as our principal self-destructiveness arises in the burn of tensions catching and holding our tender spirits. There seems to be few things as difficult as regaining serenity in the face of outbursts and stabs, but every effort affects our course. A moment's meditation can buy the strength to cope with hours of continuing struggle.
I am learning, continually learning. The path is developing with each step, without a fixed goal but working with adaptable direction. I am sharpening my mind for new tasks, preparing for an offensive that will not end until I find my peace. I have come to accept the harsh realities of a life faced with hostility, abandoned my naive ideas of a good-natured world and prepare to do what must be done to combat the ugly meanness that dares to disturb my quiet enjoyments.
The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no prisoners.
Enjoy,
Malinov
There is a clause in our final decree that forbids speaking "derogatory" remarks about the eX in the presence of the children. It is not my nature to make such comments, but the eX insisted on the clause. She's afraid I'll tell the children the truth about her, about the things she has done. Notice that this clause has not prevented her from speaking derogatorily about me to the children. As one might expect, her nasty remarks have the opposite effect, making the children wary of her and drawing them closer to me.
The Universe has a way of punishing evil. It is remarkable to see the forces of life in action.
My visit with Donnie was rather uneventful and even uninteresting. The present course of my life is moving so positively that I am not really aware of any problems I need to work on, beyond the work I am engaged in. I am happy, together and moving smoothly. Whenever the session starts to analyze current affairs, I feel fairly assured that my life is on track.
Stand back, give a man some room,
Malinov
Hard work won't save a bad relationship. A good relationship can't survive without hard work.
It isn't something lacking that requires couples to exert effort to remain together - it is entropy, the constant struggle against time and gravity. Problems naturally arise and unless we become vigilant in opposing those forces by enforcing and reinforcing our connection, the problems erode our relationship.
People who deny a condition are typically the ones who suffer worst from it. Denial is an incredibly powerful element of human nature.
Relaxation works the same way - we are never done relaxing because every single breath introduces a degree of tension that must be relaxed.
Malinov
You know what irks me - after fifteen years of putting up with my crazy-ass self, as I struggled to pull the pieces of my psyche into order, the moment I had a serious breakthrough and had taken the first important steps toward recovery, she walked. I don't blame her for walking, but why wait until then? I'm a thousand-million times healthier now, two years later and possibly because she did dump me. Anyway, she'll never know what I've done. Che sera.
Educational and emotional, the days have slipped by. Tess has been opening up extensively, sharing at least some layers of her turmoils, but she has boarded the bus for Oklahoma! and I expect a moderate calmness to follow in her wake. The connection she has already re-developed with Cats is as beautiful as it is unexpected, and far deeper than I would have dreamed possible. In the realm of human relations, goodness has an affinity for goodness, I think.
Further information including details about the acrimonious break-up between the eX and her lawyer surfaced yesterday. One of the strange things about being a lawyer - and everyone involved is one - is that we are, first and foremost, officers of the court. The court can punish us swiftly and soundly. As officers of the court, however, we have a standing obligation to report misdeeds regarding the court, in particular the misdeeds of another lawyer. So when my eX committed matter-of-law perjury in a deposition - admitting under oath to lying under oath - a grey sort of obligation arose on the part of her lawyer to report her perjury to the court, this obligation running directly counter to his obligation to the client.
So, he's way pissed because he runs the risk of sanctions no matter what he does. His only hope is that everyone sits down and shuts up, but his client is bonkers, so that's bloody unlikely. Onward, soldiers.
Apparently there are layers of lies, perfidy and betrayal in that story.
You should have seen the passion in this man as he accused me of terrible, vile crimes while his client provided outbursts of superlatives and the judge banged his gavel, shutting them up. They were playing Perry Mason, introducing startling new evidence that was not admissible and not so startling once a better (perjurous) motion gave it a place. Now that he knows he was lied to from day one to day five hundred, he is equally passionate. I'm kinda hoping she blames him in court so that I can introduce him as a witness, but who am I kidding. The minute we step into court, she goes to jail. I can't honestly believe she would be that stupid. I have been wrong before. Often, before. Over and over and over and over.
It has been a marvelous journey. I have seen things I never dreamed could be seen. People can be such shits.
The boys and Cats and I will enjoy the Tess-less calm and find new ways to live, love and learn.
Malinov
Another glorious day begins in the pitch of family life. Tess continues her life-on-the-run with another afternoon of choir rehearsal before the departure for Oklahoma! The boys and I are deep into our quest for knowledge, exploring every corner of the Universe to discover answers to questions we had only begun to imagine. The heat of Texas is blistering this July, a far cry away from last year's record rains. We walked to the donut shop just as the morning began to surrender to furnace temperatures. Whew. That will be enough of the outdoors until after dinner. In some ways, the summer heat is like the northern winter, trapping us indoors. I prefer to skip the winter. That's why I'm in Texas.
Texans can be naive when it comes to the East. It makes me smile.
I have my attorney hard at work, which is good but expensive. If only justice were free. We continue to collect tales from people who have come to know the eX and her Alcalde, tales of remarkable stupidity, insensitivity and selfishness. Bashing them seems to have become a popular pastime among the church-folk, who are not the sort of people to engage in this sort of thing lightly, but the tales are so remarkable that passing them has become almost mandatory at any churchy gathering.
So strange, this reputational landslide that has descended on my eX. I have clung to the high-road, simply as a matter of wisdom, fighting my impulses to lash out to preserve my position. Without any input from me, they have managed to destroy themselves. Selfishness and moronic attempts to control things beyond control have done the work for me, taking them down while my hands stay clean. The Universe can be harsh to people without some reasonable measure of humility.
I think the saddest thing is the psychic trauma being inflicted on Tess. Her self-esteem has been horribly beaten by constant comparisons to the Alcalde's daughter, a comparison that is especially bizarre because the step-sister is a deeply disturbed child with some obvious problems in dealing with other people. Tess' love for her mother is in tatters because of the eX's inability to stand up to the unsympathetic intruder. Knowing this, however, makes it easy for me to be the hero, compensating for the attacks with a continual stream of unmeditated reassurances.
I feel bad that the kids are suffering so terribly at the hands of their mother, but pain is unavoidable in this life and at least I am here to help them navigate the assaults of stupidity. If it were not this, it would be something else, someone else, giving them lessons in unfairness, selfishness, neglect and the rest of the unsavory board they are receiving. While it is bizarre for a mother to behave so rudely, at least they can learn the lessons with help from people who love them, learning to cope with the pace of this world, in whatever mad forms it takes.
At least that's the best spin I can put on it. It is crazy, the attitude my eX has taken toward her own kids, and the rest of reality, although beyond the kids is well beyond my concern. She has always been a selfish git, but I never imagined her selfishness would overpower her love for the kids. I have been repeatedly told, "She doesn't love the kids, not in the way most of us mean 'love.' She takes and never gives. She will hurt them when it suits her. She doesn't love anyone but herself." I never believed it was possible, but I have been forced to admit the truth. She is as terrible as people say she is.
So it goes.
Malinov
It occurs to me that my eX may want me to take custody of the children and is using a passive approach to accomplish that end. Rather than take the more difficult step of admitting her need - especially augmented by her selfishness - she places herself into a position where that is inevitable, allowing her to oppose it superficially as it happens beyond her control.
The scary thing is, this theory explains everything. So very, very strange.
The guilt of breaking apart two families has been more than she can bear. They scrambled for moral high-ground, hoping to convince themselves and the world that it was not their fault, but they and everyone else knows exactly what happened. I feel for them - that kind of guilt must be hard to bear - but as one of their victims, I cannot feel much for their pitiful state. Karma is a relentless force.
We're having a blast, me and the family. Like a breath of fresh air in a sand-storm, the peace and natural connection of our special bond is inspiring. We must learn to protect ourselves from buffoons and baboons. The children are hungry to learn.
Enjoy,
Malinov
What a night!
Cats spent most of the day with Tess, again. What a difference a year can make. Last fall, Tess had developed a severe distaste for my lady, even giving me an ultimatum that if I stayed with Cats, she would never see me again. Now she's almost more likely to seek out Cats than me. Girl stuff, you know.
So, while they were out gadding about, the boys and I did some serious gaming. Then, a carload of young teens shows up. And another. Soon, we're overrun with fourteen-year-olds. Parents start arriving, stopping for a while to chat. I think it was one before things really wound down. Nothing special, I suppose, party wise, except that it was completely impromptu. Just as I was ready to settle in for a quiet night, whamo. Silly Putty.
I helped Tess set up the canopy over her bed. Her room is absolutely lovely. She took some of my old albums and hung them on the wall, like posters. So cool. Things have really come together beautifully. The entire house is in use and the space flows incredibly well. I am a bit surprised. I never realized the potential of the place.
The deal in Oz is moving forward rapidly. I am anxious to get my hands on the $1M IP budget they are giving me. There is so much I can do with a good technology base. Work, work, work. If it wasn't all so fun, I'd be dying of it. I finished yet another TiVo patent yesterday, giving us a substantial portfolio already. I started negotiations with Tom Rodgers and his crew to discuss an acquisition. Next week, we'll talk to DirecTV, Comcast and some of the other major players.
The joys are endless.
The funniest thing, for me, is the moralizing of the Alcalde - he and the eX busted up two families, two marriages - there is no secret of that fact - and yet they claim to be better than their victims because they are "good Christian" people. Kinda like Toquemada. "I accuse you of heresy of thought, heresy of deed . . .
Enjoy,
Malinov
Is there anything more annoying than being opposed to a complete idiot? A team of idiots?
Sometimes it reminds me of the black knight, arms and legs severed by Arthur. "Come back, you coward! I'll bite your legs off"
"You're a loony."
What an appropriate sentiment. The idiot is loony.
I took my elder son to the doctor yesterday. Again, another professional told me that the kids need to be taken from their mother. She makes such a bizarre impression on these people that I don't even have to ask for their help. This one thinks she should be committed.
So I send my eX a letter, explaining the things said by said doctor. The Alcalde (her moronic cohort) writes to insist I stop talking to her. When I try to explain to him the state of our legal proceedings, he stands tall proclaiming that he is right, just and victorious. He understands absolutely nothing about the law, but that is the foe I face in court. My attorney has already turned them into pablum, but they are too stupid to surrender. I have no choice but to take away her license and put her in jail by presenting the judge with her documented libel. Lying to the court is the ultimate sin in court and she seems eager to pay the price.
At least my kids are all very smart, despite their mother's stupid genes. It gives me hope for the future.
Malinov
With a tip of the hat to wisdom and understanding, the cataclysmic end of my marriage never provided an opportunity for closure. Essential elements of a relationship can be severed without any damage to the rest of our feelings and the destruction can foreclose any meaningful communication. Finding peace within myself is my determined task, accepting the stark limits to my understanding and control while perpetually pressing on in the best way I know how.
Whaaa. Why can't I be Emperor of the Known Universe? Help me, mommy.
God bless Lily St. Cyr.
The continual presence of the kids adds emotional stresses to the struggle. Not in a manner that diminishes the delights of their presence, but the shift of forces require adaptation. Adaptability is the greatest of all skills and should be practiced without rest until the end of your days. I am relatively good at adapting, perhaps excellent at finding new solutions for new circumstances. Accepting the passage of what has passed.
Tensions set my ADD into motion, fostering more tension as my flitting thoughts evade organization. Calm yourself, Kasha. How many tigers are there?
There is no time for self doubt. Stride confidently. Accept, prepare and act. Approach life with patient deliberation. Eschew impulse when reason is called for.
Hmm. There's a thought. Emotion isn't the polar of reason. Impulse is the opposite of reason. Impulsive and Deliberate. That's the distinction I'm looking for. The interjection of self-control.
One thing we must do is eliminate the self-language that takes away choices. The devil MADE me do it. Take responsibility for your feelings as well as your reasoned steps. We make ourselves happy. The Universe provides the ride.
Onward and Upward.
Malinov
There is much pain in growth, but it is an endurable, almost wonderful kind of pain, the dizzy discomfort of an unfocussed new perspective, the burn of shifted habits, the pull against old motions, the sting of newly exercised muscles. Sometimes the pain overwhelms the joys, but with each additional step in the right direction, the pain fizzles to a low murmur. The war against anxiety is perpetual, like pushing back the ocean, never finished, only successful in general measures. Once the truth of calmness is felt, however, it is an addictive feeling. Until the feeling is forgotten in the mad bustle of life on the run.
The only time a man should be in a hurry is when a tiger is coming up the stairs.
The last few days have been filled with preparations. The boys came over last night and Tess will be joining us later today. The house has been wholly transformed, in ways I never imagined possible. A few alterations to the way we use the space has opened everything, brand new vistas to stage our drama. The boys are happy to be here. The time will be short. There is so much I want to teach them.
I have many regrets and as I grow stronger, some of them deepen. I don't regret them as mistakes, although I take responsibility for my decisions and actions, but until a few months ago, I was horribly crippled by the vice-grip of my anxieties. I can question my past by discounting my anxiety - I should have done this or that - or explain my past in terms of anxiety - of course, I acted madly, I was being tortured by anxiety devils. Neither is very satisfying, for as wonderful as things could have been absent my anxiety, it took me the whole of 43 years to even start making inroads against my oppressor. It would be rather foolish to discount my accomplishments by insisting they should have come sooner. Yeah, if it's so easy why didn't you do it. Maybe I didn't want to. Yeah, maybe because you couldn't. I know you couldn't. (Stop bickering with yourself)
I have a deep reservoir of love for a woman who doesn't deserve my affection. What do I do with that? Fond memories are bound to recur in the course of time, memories completely removed from the recent insanity. Reasonably, I understand the flow of time and the distant places it has taken us to, but in the wake of such memories, I don't find myself thinking much. I miss the girl, in ways, at times.
And having children together - a flock of younguns - I will never be free of her. Funny how it works. Funny.
I am unhappy in my lack of interpersonal skills in certain regards. After conversations with Cats, I am determined to approach the problem with a desire to learn the solution. We'll see how it goes.
Carrying on, a wayward son,
Malinov
Some mornings find me feeling lost, unable to connect the dots between what I have been doing and those I suppose I should be doing. The engine of my mind is reluctant to turn over, another victim of a mental freeze.
Soon, the amphetimines will kick in, bolstered by a big cup of coffee. Gratis Deo.
As my thoughts thaw, where will they head? My dreams have been troubled, although not frightening, just disturbed. Always late, always missing something important. Rushing, my recently knighted foe. Let the arrows fly.
Malinov
I spoke at length with my Australian partners. The time difference adds a strange twist to our communications - drinking my morning coffee as they wind their day down with a drink. Australian and Austin dollars changing hands to restructure the organization in a new, better way that will actually allow us to cash a check. I've been in this deal for five years now without a cent being paid to anyone for anything. I'll be director of IP in the US should the dust ever settle, which will be fun if they give me a budget. I have some interesting ideas on making money in IP. If things go well, my share in the company will be worth a sweet nickel.
I became involved with these blokes five years ago because I recognized the strength of their underlying technology and the man who created it. Mostly I was hoping for a (someone else's money) trip to Australia. My fingers are still crossed.
Being a patent attorney puts me in touch with an interesting crowd. The patent game is expensive - a $10,000 ante and a million dollar call. The rights can be worth billions and more. An industry can be dominated with a well-designed portfolio, taking a percentage off every sale by every seller. Some companies understand the game and the payoff. IBM is highly funded by their patent portfolio management.
I was a patent examiner for thirteen years. I learned many, many things in the halls of the nuthouse. I - in contrast to most Texans - have a working understanding of bureaucracy. I ate, drank and slept claims through hell and high-water.
I have acquired unfathomably valuable skills. I didn't mean to. I have been mentored by kind folk in capitalization of my skills. They seem to like me. I bring them skills that are unknown in this part of the country and generally unknown even by many in Capital City. I am a unique individual. So it goes.
The full scope of my skills is even more impressive - they have certainly impressed me. I am a compulsive learner. Go figure.
I am - they say - an attractive man, in that crazed genius sort of way. I look many years younger than I am. I never really learned to think of myself as a physical being, so I am generally unaware of my looks. I have learned to recognize the stares, by opening my eyes to the world around me. I may have always been stared at, or only just recently. I wandered in a lonely cloud, not lonely and longing but content to be alone, lost in thoughts and visions.
My introversion approached infinite at times. I sometimes read so heavily that I became incapable of speaking to other people. Lust tended to break these introverted spells as my need to feed on human flesh (pardon the gory analogy) pushed me out of my self-containing cave. At other times, I have been intensely extroverted for prolonged periods. Lust was probably the principal force, but I don't think it always was. I do like people. I just don't have time for them, much.
I have incredible knowledge, but my greatest skills are creative. I have the incredible leaps of a fiercely ADDled mind. I know how to use them, far better than I know how to organize. So it goes.
In some ways, it is as though my life just recently began. The sleeper has awakened.
Malinov
today
October 2006
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