Journals of Lord Malinov

the poetry of madness

Anti-Anxiety

This is one topic you don't need to pry very hard to get my thoughts. I have devoted most of the last two years trying to unravel this knot. One thing you can be certain of, you are far from alone. Someone called this the "age of anxiety" and that pretty much nails it.

Anxiety has three components: physiological, cognitive and behaviorial.

To cope with the physiological, we have the anti-anxiety drugs. I take Lexapro, Cats takes Goosebar and my son takes Paxil. For the most part they seem fairly equivalent in diminishing the adrenalin rushes that come with anxious thoughts. Alone, they solve nothing else and it seems possible to escape needing them, but for the time being, they make all the difference.

Exercise is extremely helpful in reducing muscular tension. Battling anxiety is about keeping tension of all kinds below threshold - that magic point when we start losing control of ourselves.

For me the final piece of the puzzle was a biofeedback device I bought on the 'net - the GSR2 (galvanic skin response) which came with Calmlink software. I think I paid about US$150 for them both. I had always imagined that I knew what relaxation was, that I knew how to relax. Trying to calm myself so that the notes descend proved harder than I imagined. Once I learned how to relax and what it felt like to relax and watched the graphs of excitement and relaxtion as I calmed myself down and grew excited or scared - suddenly, everything made sense.

The struggle with anxiety is basically a continual need to relax, an ongoing battle to calm the heartbeat. I used to think I needed to work up some excitement before I did something challenging, but nothing could be further from the truth - excitement takes about half a second to begin churning the blood. Calming that same rush takes about ten minutes.

I found, interestingly enough, that once calmed, a rush of excitement still feels exciting but it only lifts the graph slightly. Once excited, however, another jolt of excitement raises levels by twice as much. The more excited we are, the larger the jumps become and the easier it is to exceed our threshold. By constantly striving to be calm, it becomes much harder to even come close to losing control.

Recognizing the symptoms of an anxious rush is crucial as well - the minute you feel your heartbeat accelerate, do everything you can to slow yourself down. Your mind is useless when you go past threshold, as are most other functions. Remember, fight or flight was evolved to escape tigers (a tiger? in Africa?) and there are damn few tigers for us to flee or slay. Unless you encounter a tiger, stay calm at all costs.

The second component - cognitive - is harder because it means freeing yourself from anxious, self-defeating and negative thoughts. I used a constant diet of self-hypnosis, suggestions and biaurals. I bought most of the self-hypnosis as mp3 files from Potentials Unlimited, particularly their self-confidence, relief from fear and anxiety and relaxation. At first, I was doing 2-3 or more sessions a day - hypnosis both teaches relaxation and instills new, positive cognitive suggestions. Though time consuming, I still (after a year) try to get a session in whenever possible.

I bought an inexpensive MP3 player so I could give myself sessions wherever I was. I also listened to them going to sleep. I figured anything would help.

Soon, I culled the suggestions from the MP3 files, removing the hypnosis part and began recording my own litanies of suggestions, some crafted for my unique problems and situations. With my MP3 player and other audio devices, I listened to these suggestions every moment I could. I played the suggestions at low volume all night long. Eventually, the positive statements crept into my psyche.

I discovered a free biaural generator program (brainwave generator) at http://www.bwgen.com/ - the free version is adequate for this purpose, although experimenting with the full version is fun, too. I took faith in this process when I tried the self-hypnosis biaural and found it made reaching a hypnotic state much, much easier. The meditation and relaxation settings are noticably effective. My favorite is "an awakened mind" which seems to make me significantly smarter.

I started listening to these buzzing sounds whenever I could and layered some of my suggestion and hypnosis files with them.

One very interesting experiment takes advantage of the fact that simple confusion puts us in a state of hypnosis. I layered four different sets of suggestions so that four voices are speaking simultaneously for an hour. Very powerful file.

The rest is becoming aware of negativity in our own thoughts and in the people around us. Being conscious of negativity and pushing a positive perspective until it responds unconsciously is ultimately the task that needs to be accomplished.

Behavioral problems are more a matter of our phobias. The best way to cope is to recognize the avoidance behavoirs and use graduated exposure to reduce the emotional impact. For me, the most important part here is to always slow down, to slow my thoughts, slow my breathing, slow my actions, take my time. Another key behavior is grounding - forcing myself to be aware of my environment for a few moments, pushing out my anxious thoughts while I count the tigers.

All of this is simple, but none of it is easy. One of the keys is accepting the fact that this is a struggle we will always live with - there is no cure, just coping.

A bit too terse, but the boys want me to play another game. Ask and ye shall receive. Share and help us learn. Enjoy. Party on dudes. Be excellent to each other.

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 20:59 | link | comments (2) |

The history channel just reminded me that Einstein was a below-average student. In fact, he failed his entrance exams in math. "It took a below-average student like Einstein to discover E=mc^2" Rock-N-Friggin-Roll. Sapere Aude. (Dare to Learn)

Malinov
power belongs to those who dare

posted by: Malinov at 15:16 | link | comments (5) |

Matthew and I went to visit his therapist today - one of the smartest and gentlest women I've ever had the pleasure to encounter. In a matter of moments, she'd exposed his deepest wounds and helped him to face the sadness that had begun to lurk perpetually beneath his cool surface. I arranged the meeting because I was seeing the symptoms of the anxiety that has tormented me for these agonizing decades. He is just like me in too many ways for me to mistake the problem. I am glad to have escaped the clutches. I would have him never feel the bite of the self-destructive talons. The suprising thing is that the solutions are so simple and give us such incredible freedom. Forty-three and only now making sense of things. I envy the ten-year-old who can learn from my mistakes.

Watching a bit of a documentary on Vietnam and experiencing the emotional trauma that tore apart these young men who now as older men still show the red-hot torment of living through the valley of death. My studies of human conflict have left me with an understanding that few things have ever destroyed minds and souls - at least western minds and souls - like the modern jungle warfare of Vietnam. War is hell and terrible in every form, but the insanity created in our young men by living through such an inescapable terror mangled and crippled human beings in ways that bullets and bombs alone cannot reach. Death is nothing compared to endless fear.

After those somber thoughts, life is Dallas suddenly seems pretty tame. All my troubles are almost nothing. No one is shooting at me. Gratis Deo.

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 15:09 | link | comments (1) |

Ecstatic states in simple tasks, as the morning star ascends.

A huge tree branch fell and crushed the car next to Cats' Jeep, pinning the Jeep without causing any serious damage, at least as far as we can tell. It happened about two minutes after we came inside the apartment. A young woman knocked on the door. "Do you own the Jeep?" she asked. "A tree fell on it." Whoa. What weirdness. A guy stared in shock at his crushed car.

"I guess someone didn't want you to go anywhere," I said. He probably didn't find the remark as amusing as I did, but he definitely felt the truth of it.

So it goes.

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 12:10 | link | comments (1) |

I can't edit my profile past my birthdate. I don't know why. Perhaps there are things about me that THEY don't want you to know. Who knows?

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 11:57 | link | comments |

Ah, the joys of life continue to blossom in luxuriance. Delights mingle with pains to weave a tapestry of rich magnificence. It isn't all pretty. It isn't all good. Poisons and thorns hide among the loveliest petals, but the overall effect is breathtaking. Ah, life.

The entire physics, math, english, education discussion began when I read an article about female dominance of math in Iceland. I have always wondered about some of the less obvious gender differences, so the article caught my attention. Kasparov once proclaimed that no woman would ever rule the land of chess. If history is any indication, there is little doubt he spoke the truth, but the times, they are a changin'.

There are, of course, a thousand possible explanations for any gender distinction. After all, there is no question that the physiology of men and women are very different in some important ways. There are basic psychological differences as well as social and cultural biases. Comparing men and women is often as useful as the old apples-oranges comparison.

Intellectual fields like math evade the principal physiological difference - that men are generally stronger than women. Why have men dominated the upper tiers of fields that require mental prowress? Is society to blame or are women somehow biologically inferior in this respect?

And now, we have to ask, what has happened to the girls in Iceland?

One interesting statistic is that the girls of Iceland say that they dislike math just as much as the girls of the rest of the planet. Whatever the difference is, attitude is apparently not entirely the cause.

Physiologically and psychologically, women's brains and thought processes operate differently than men. I read that neural connection differences cause men to focus on a problem to generate focussed solutions while women are better at working out a big picture solution. Interesting and I would guess basically true.

To me, however, such a difference wouldn't preclude women from becoming brilliant mathematicians, physicists and chess players. It would mean that women would see things the men don't see. They may not see the same answers using their different approaches, but the world doesn't need more of the same. As I imagine it, women mathematicians may be able to discover entirely new patterns that are well-nigh invisible to their male comrades. Women chess players would develop entirely new strategies that would confound their masculine opponents. Men could attack problems that arose in feminine theories while women could attack problems developing in masculine theories. Different types of thinking used in concert would take us to whole new worlds of thought.

Perhaps the ultra-feminists are correct - rather than trying to fit into male paradigms of intellectual fields, women should re-discover truth from the ground up, create female paradigms, inject the male discoveries with female insights and listen as masculine insights illuminate the feminine discoveries. If we take advantage of our strengths, each to each, we can accomplish worlds of truth.

Not only men and women but races, religions, philosophies, indeed, every person could benefit from bringing our unique abilities, different as they are, to bear on questions and find methods of integration.

Ah, but people generally are too stupid to be smart together.

I can dream, can't I?

Malinov
forever searching, always learning

posted by: Malinov at 10:52 | link | comments |

Having opened my passionate veins to express my disdain for the philosophies and methods of the opposing camp of English teachers with a religious fervor for my own opinions that is unmatched by my beliefs in any other subject, Cats and I embarked on a discussion of all matters educational until I was tempted into an explanation of the mysteries of modern physics. We spent a bit of time on higher mathematics first, mostly by way of comparison.

As weird as we think the world is, it is weirder. Inconceivably weird. Human minds are incapable of conceptualizing the truth of this universe. Understanding is a delusion.

Comparisons of Eastern philosophy to the wonders of physics are based on over-simplification, an art the oriental philosophies excel in. The only real parallel between this mystical science and the teaching of the fat man lie in the koan - understanding comes from trying to know that which we know cannot be known. What is the sound of one hand clapping? Understanding that you cannot understand is the beginning of understanding.

Take the wave-particle duality. Since Einstein introduced this paradox, no one has ever produced an explanation of the phenomenon that fits into human thinking. This difficulty is easily shown by electron diffraction.

Place a wall with a narrow slit in a tub of water and generate waves on one side. Waves pass through the slit and move the water on the other side in a series of circular waves. Place a wall with two narrow slits in the tub and two sets of waves are generated on the other side. The two sets of water waves reinforce and cancel each other to form a new wave pattern. This phenomenon is called diffraction.

Do the same thing with light (and a much narrower slit) and you'll see a pattern of light and dark on the far wall, a new set of waves formed by the diffraction of the light.

Consider the electron as a particle and shoot them like the bullets of a gun at a single slit. These particles of matter strike the target wall just as the bullets would, in a clump. In no way do the electron-bullets do anything wave-like.

Shoot the electrons at a pair of slits. A diffraction pattern appears on the target wall. Particles don't reinforce and cancel each other's existence. Adding a second slit causes electrons to suddenly behave like waves and not at all like particles.

Now, it isn't that one electron passes through one slit and a second electron passes through the other slit and the two electrons interact to diffract. The electron - one single electron - somehow passes through both slits simultaneously. Classically speaking, no hunk of matter can behave that way, but classical physic fails. Every particle we can run the two-slit experiment on behaves like a wave.

Matter is sometimes particulate and sometimes wave-like. Throw yourself on two slits and watch yourself diffract. One conclusion drawn from this phenomenon is that mass and energy are equivalent - E=mc^2. Atomic weapons are a powerful demonstration of this truth.

Einstein was infuriated by the result, although his photoelectric effect was the first wave-particle description and won him a nobel prize. God does not play dice with the universe. Of course, he had no trouble with matter causing space curvature.

Protest as thou wilt, you cannot imagine what it means to be both particulate and wave. No one can. One hundred years of physicists have failed to imagine such a thing. It seems that our minds cannot wrap sufficiently around a visual description of this phenomenon. We must be satisfied with the mathematical description and leave the picture to God.

Schroedinger used partial differential equations to predict experimental results of the sub-atomic. Simultaneously, Heisenberg used matrix algebra to predict other experimental results. For years, they fought. Eventually, it was proved that the two systems were identical. One just assumed the wave nature and the other the particulate nature and despite the incredible difference of their methods, they reached the same results. The two descriptions were equivalent.

In fact, Heisenberg spent the rest of his career convinced that space was particulate - quantum space with Planck's length for pixels. Everyone scoffed, long after he died. Now, quite naturally, we find our descriptions of time-space require particulate space with Planck's pixels. Space only seems to be continuous. Space is pixellated.

Space is never empty - we exist in a thick sea of virtual particles, matter and antimatter swarming everywhere all the time. Matter takes up no space, they tell us. Matter is not a thing but forces. But space is completely filled with matter in a turbulent storm of existence and non-existence. Matter takes up no space but there is an infinitude of matter in our space. Feynman pointed out that anti-matter is equivalent to matter travelling backwards in time. String theory seems to explain everything by postulating eleven dimensions but can't generate a single predictable result, so it can't be tested. These bits of madness are just the tip of an insane iceberg. Think about it too much and you'll make your brain hurt. We are inadequate to the task of understanding our existence.

No matter how weird you think things are, they are weirder.

The earth doesn't revolve around the sun. The sun doesn't revolve around the earth. They are in relative motion. The math is prettier when we fix the sun and calculate the earth's relative motion. Pretty math is one of our definitions of truth. Math is poetry, judged entirely in terms of beauty. Math is the language God spoke when he created the Universe.

Truth is beauty and beauty is truth
That is all we know on earth
And all we need to know
- Keats, Ode to a Grecian Urn

Keats was actually writing an ode to a forgery - his grecian urn was a very old replica made far away from Greece.

The tie to Eastern philosophy was created by the eccentric physicist Gell-Mann in his analysis of quarks. His matrix of quark-states predicted seven particles, two of which had never been seen. When they were found exactly where he said they were, he earned his nobel prize. Stealing from Buddhism, he dubbed his matrix the seven-fold way. Ah, the new age writers proclaimed, the orientals knew truths of existence long before our great physicists.

Except that within the year there were 143 particles, a number that has grown steadily since. Somehow the 143-fold way doesn't hold the same mystical beauty as the seven Gell-Mann started with. Buddha certainly never saw that one coming. We hope to simplify but the harder we look the more complex things become. The only way to simplify existence is to close our eyes.

To the youth out there - nothing you learn in elementary, secondary or undergraduate education is even slightly conceptually difficult, aside from the material taught in a few upperclass physics courses. Memorization is basically all they ask of you. There are no excuses for you to do poorly in school, because any idiot can get good grades at those levels. The top ten students of any high school will include at least six complete morons. Memorize and regurgitate. That is all they ask. The teachers pretend things are hard because we would pay them less if it got around that they're just babysitting. Parents pretend things are hard because they never figured out how easy things were and rather than admit their stupidity, they blame the difficulty of the (all-too-simple) subject matter. Most people never do anything that is hard in their entire lives. We struggle because emotional states make it difficult to think at all.

My grades sucked from beginning to end. Not because I couldn't make good grades but because no one ever gave me a decent reason to worry about my grades. Poor grades won't hurt you a bit, as long as you learn. Learning is what matters. Grades are for chumps.

As a National Merit Scholar, I was invited to attend a series of interviews to get a scholarship. They asked me to write an essay on the importance of grades. Grades are for chumps, I wrote. I didn't get the scholarship. My grades sucked in high school, undergrad (engineering physics) and law school. But I learned and learned and learned and subsequently suceeded in every way I could hope for. No one ever gave a rat's ass about my grades. Actual learning more than compensates for test results.

Your computer works by exploiting electron tunnelling to form switches. Electron waves can slightly pass through walls that particles can't possibly traverse. We use an electric field to increase that tiny probability to a slightly less tiny probability and measure the change in impossible current. Semiconductors are tunnelling switches.

Aha, you may think. I say the passage of the electrons is impossible but I don't mean impossible because even a tiny probability of the impossible happening makes the impossible possible. True. It is strictly impossible for a particle to pass through the wall. A wave representation includes the small possibility. It is our particulate description of matter that makes us imagine the thing is impossible.

Place a beach ball next to a brick wall. Can the ball pass through the wall? (I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox) It would be fair to say that it is impossible for the particulate ball to move through the particulate wall. Yet the beach ball can be described as a wave and there is a finite possibility that the beach ball will pass through the wall. Sit a while and watch. Eventually the beach ball moves through the wall, maybe in a billion, trillion years. Your computer works because the perfectly solid beach ball will eventually traverse the perfectly solid wall. No hole, no opening, no passage to move through. One second the ball is on one side and the next second it is on the other. Ta-da! Impossibility happens a billion times every second in your computer.

See the cat? See the cradle?

Science defeated magic as a paradigm. Actually, science assimilated magic. The more we understand, the less we understand. What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Malinov
student of beauty

posted by: Malinov at 10:11 | link | comments (1) |

So many wonderful avenues to explore. So many joys to discover. Each day is a blessing, an opportunity to live. Not a moment can be wasted.

Light shines down from above. The earth draws us near. We are creation. We are being.

Malinov
feeling a bit philosophical this morning

posted by: Malinov at 09:42 | link | comments (1) |

We descended through the lush greens of the park until we found a bridge across the creek. I spoke words of comfort as Cats gave her mother's ashes back to the earth. "She has returned to God, to the Universe, to the Earth. Only the love remains."

Letting go of the past becomes an essential step in our growth. The past disappears behind us. The future is ours to create.

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 14:43 | link | comments (1) |

In considering questions of spirituality and science, I have begun to wonder about a form of prejudice I discovered in my thoughts. When I pursue scientific ideas, my faith in modernity is absolute - Aristotle, Galileo, Newton and the rest of the classical scientists are fascinating, but I know the bits of truth they have revealed are curiousities embedded in a vast sea of ignorance. Newton may have been standing on the shoulders of giants, but he seems rather short compared to the vision of those praciticing modern science. Cutting down my metaphors for a stroke of clarity, I believe that scientific knowledge is always growing.

When researching spiritual matters, however, I seek the knowledge of the ancients, somehow believing that the prehistoric races had knowledge of spiritual truths that has been degraded and lost over the ages. The medicine man, the shaman, the mystics of forgotten races - I seem to assume that they held truth that we as modern people cannot know.

Why would scientific knowledge grow and spirtual knowledge diminish? Because I am stuuuupid. (Thanks, Dexter) Does every generation assume that the next generation simply cannot understand the spiritual truths we possess? Perhaps it is because spirituality needs mythology - the spiritual leaders must be out of reach of our senses and only the dead (perhaps resurrected and ascended) can maintain the distance necessary for faith.

For instance, many of our country seem to believe that the religions of the Native Americans held spiritual truth that we will never truly know. Yet those cultures suffered terribly and largely died away. Certainly there is much we can learn from their wisdom, as we learn from Sir Issac. But their power was anything but effective in the face of time.

The eradication of a culture leads to the demise of their secret knowledge. Do we simply choose an unknowable secret for our spiritual projections, and so the more unknowable the better and dead men tell no tales. Is the search for spirituality founded on attempting to know what we know is unknowable? Is the koan a true path to redemption?

I was reading Bailey's Treatise on White Magic - any truth contained therein is formed entirely of muddle and fluff, for sense, it has none. Many of our spiritual texts are written this way - not to appease the conscious mind but apparently deliberately crafted to create mental confusion.

A hypnotic state can be generated by invoking confusion in the subject - the conscious mind runs a stupid circle trying to understand and the unconcious takes control in the resulting power vacuum. Is this the "trick" of spirituality? Listen, be confused and discover truth in the confusion.

Malinov
confused and enlightened

posted by: Malinov at 08:15 | link | comments |

Working through the kinks of a new day
rejoining, enjoying, discovering ideas
Ways to play, problems to solve, excuses
Ignored

Feeling the rushes of perception, alerted
To joys of infinite discovery, significant
Restorations, the simplicity regained
Invested

posted by: Malinov at 09:28 | link | comments |

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Moments of peace, moments of anguish. The day seems to promise nothing, yet holds the universe at the ready. Slowly awakened as the dogs bark and the amphetimines begin to course the veins with fire.

Reading on anxiety, I was sadly reminded of Hilary. She adopted psychoanalysis as her therapy and after many years of communing with the dude, a Dr. Lightbody no less, I would say she is much worse. There is little clinical data showing that psychoanalysis has any affect on anxiety disorders and she's definitely in the "no positive effect" group. I have tried to explain to her that there are other, better treatments available, but she clings to the fellow anxiously. Sigh.

The last time we spoke, she asked me to limit my conversational topics. For me, this can only mean go away, for I see no reason to censor my mad expressions, even if I could. Like any anxious person, she believes that controlling others is the best way to approach her problems. This desire for control IS the problem. A desire to control is nothing more than fear.

We have some control over our attention and some control over our bodily motions. Beyond that, control is illusory. We influence the universe with every step we take but we have absolutely no control over anyone or anything beyond our skin.

Accepting our lack of control is a major step in emotional maturity. Once we begin to deal with things without falling into the fantasy of our control, our influence grows. No one trusts a madman. Trying to control things is a certain sign of madness.

Malinov
free falling

posted by: Malinov at 08:59 | link | comments (1) |

Sensational rushes, the annoyed feeling of having to sacrifice for a certain victory, only certain in the sacrifice. Character is what you are in the dark.

posted by: Malinov at 10:40 | link | comments |

Ah, the tingle of a tart citric trips across my tongue, driving my prose to poetic folly. Days fold into nights, the easy motion of an ignored clock. I'm handling my ADD so much better since I adopted a "no schedule" schedule. The benefits of being a patent attorney are really endless, although I don't recommend the cost of acquiring such a license. I barely survived the ordeal. Not everyone is so lucky.

I have heard it said that you will never meet an unhappy patent attorney. We have our bouts of sadness like anyone else, but by and large, we have it made.

Malinov
taking over the galaxy the old fashioned way, one planet at a time

posted by: Malinov at 21:16 | link | comments |

The swell of time, like a bubble growing gently and steadily toward the limits of being, takes my spirit beyond mere folly. I have discovered the truth and the truth has set me free.

The mind rebels. I must relax.

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 08:30 | link | comments |

The currents of time push and prod. I fight deliberately to slow myself down. Each moment is important, equally important perhaps. Rushing through one moment to arrive for another is madness. To sacrifice even a single moment is sacriledge. Slow yourself down and live every moment as it arrives.

The mind, this high performance mind of mine, needs a braking system. I don't dare run at top speed, knowing that I cannot even start to control my thoughts at such a pace. With brakes, comes control. If I can slow my thoughts, stop my thoughts, redirect my thoughts, then I can exercise some control. Brakes are the first tool required to accomplish this nirvana of self control.

Slow my thoughts. Consider the present. Darkness settles in to bring another Sunday to a slow end. The clutter of a weekend spent in mad pursuits surrounds me. My shoulder aches, a body's cry for a bit of exercise. Music, I don't know what, illuminates the developing shadings. I have finished 78 drawings. I am printing money, creating property as I sit in this fine chair stroke by stroke.

If they understood, they'd try to stop me.
When they understand, it will be too late.

I will change everything, just you wait and see.
Nothing will ever be the same, and I'll be the richest man ever as a result.

Sheesh.

Malinov
feeling it

posted by: Malinov at 19:48 | link | comments |

I am the one they warned you about.

Although they don't know what I am doing, they already fear my approach.

The day will come when you will understand.

You should have been afraid.

You should have tried to stop me.

You should have done something, but you aren't doing anything.

I am coming.

posted by: Malinov at 14:38 | link | comments |

posted by: Malinov at 11:23 | link | comments |

May he discover the fate of a squealer in Sicily, choking on his own gizmo.

Vengeance is fun, saith the Lord. Let us dance with the devil in the pale moonlight. Call the young goodman, for we shall paint the town Brown, tempting destructions, demanding my just reward.

The winds began to howl through the thick masses of leaves, the hurried rustle of gawking onlookers drawn to the chaos that will inevitably follow. The carnivores circle, smelling the weakness of damnable fools, mortals in red whose phasers will jam and deliver them to their fanged fate.

"Prepare yourself for the cold," he commanded with a whisper. As the words fell away, a thick chill poured into the clearing. "The destroyer has come."

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 17:27 | link | comments |

Sometimes it strikes me as creepy, knowing that the alcalde writes me letters pretending to be my eX. I suppose we can cut him some slack for pure ignorance, such a dim bulb could hardly be expected to understand the shadings that reveal voice. Even so, some of the things he has written have been ultra-icky, trying to sound like her while aggrandizing himself.

The alcalde is the most pathetic human worm I have ever encountered. He's fighting some intra-psychic battle with himself by attacking me, but does so from behind the coattails of a woman I have all-too-recently loved. What an obscenity of humanity. A stupid, mean coward.

My own vainglory asked for a worthy foe. First, I shall defeat this impudent maggot. Perhaps the universe will deign me worthy of worth, yet.

Malinov
really annoyed beyond measure

posted by: Malinov at 21:23 | link | comments |

Surprise in the moonlight, a sharp bang of metal meeting metal
Recoil in caution, feel the fast flurries of fury
Exposed

Sometimes it is difficult to concentrate while the emotional surges move around me. There is always a tendency for me to follow the paths of disruption, to swim the same deep waters as you.

Yet today breathes in calm anticipation of we know not what.

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 16:06 | link | comments |

The universe beckons
The mysteries unfold

come sail away . . . .

posted by: Malinov at 23:41 | link | comments |

Singular and interesting adventures
In consent to a voyage to Ceylon
The states of Holland worth relating
Torn by the roots of the trees of an island
Carried by amazingly high
subsided perpendicularly

posted by: Malinov at 05:51 | link | comments |

The battle with the Ogress eX has been reopened with a quick volley of indignant frustration and the calm wit of having lost all fear of her pathetic claws. Get thee gone, woman. Ye bother me most some.

Into the creative depths of technology. Close the door behind you. I don't want us to be disturbed.

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 01:02 | link | comments |

I was compelled to delist my story library during my demarital entanglements. Some links to some of my works are listed over there

<=

Enjoy,

Malinov

posted by: Malinov at 18:20 | link | comments |

Might as well populate the ether with blogs, cast my verbal seeds recklessly. Who knows where the truth may find itself.

posted by: Malinov at 17:59 | link | comments |